(with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)
Once upon a midnight boring, while her husband lay there snoring,
Quite fatigued from rugged work-a-day, as many husbands are;
While he lay there nice and cozy, chubby cheeks all warm and rosy,
In the middle of his doze, he was awakened by her jar…
And a smack upon his forehead did accompany that jar,
As she told him, “Chocolate bar.”
Ah, distinctly I recall, it was October and the fall, it
Was ridiculous to stall it, but the store was pretty far…
So he told her, “Wait till morning,” with a smile these words adorning,
Then she shot a look of warning, saying, “You don’t want to spar.
With a woman who needs chocolate, you are not prepared to spar.”
She repeated, “Chocolate bar.”
And the silken sheets he lay on and his jammies made of rayon
Made him think, “Well, I’ll just play on what her great desires are.”
So he said, “Forget the candy. I can make you feel just dandy.”
…But a flower vase was handy. She said, “This may leave a scar.
If I break this on your head, I think it just may leave a scar.
Now, my husband, chocolate bar.”
And with this, he clearly fretted. She said, “You men just don’t get it!
Chocolate’s better! There. I said it. For that matter, so’s ER!
Chocolate ecstasy lasts longer! The effect is somewhat stronger.
Think you beat that? Well, you’re wrong, or you’ve been dreaming. Get the car.
I may let you have your fun when you get back. Now, get the car.
I must have my chocolate bar.”
“But there’s ice cream in the kitchen! We’ve got cookies! Quit your pitchin’
Fits! I know you’re tummy’s itchin’, but I don’t feel up to par!
I’ll bring chocolate home tomorrow.” Then she bowed her head in sorrow,
Said, “I guess the store’s too far. Okay. I guess the store’s too far.
Like your love for me is just too weak… I guess the store’s too far.
You don’t love me. Chocolate bar.”
Then he knew the talk had ended. He thought, “This thing won’t be mended
Till I get this fool her splendid chocolate. Women! They’re bizarre!
All the week I’m workin’, slavin’, takin’ trash out and behavin’–
Then she gets this stupid cravin’–and I lose my R&R!
For some stupid piece of chocolate I must lose my R&R!”
She just murmured, “Chocolate bar.”
So her husband learned his lesson. Now he knows you don’t be messin’
With a woman who’s obsessin’–if you want to be her star.
Skip the poetry and flowers. Don’t waste precious days and hours
Using all your meager powers writing lyrics for guitar…
No, she doesn’t want your body or sweet songs from your guitar.
Just give woman chocolate bar.